You Never Know...

My friend, Jessica Kaylor, died yesterday. She was 33, a wife and mother, and had been battling breast cancer for about four years.

I showed up at Jake and Jessica's house yesterday about 10:00 am. I was there to get pictures from their computer so that I could start working on the slideshow for her funeral (at Jake's request). When I saw all the cars parked around the house, my heart sank. I asked someone standing outside if she had died, and he said no. When I went in, most of her family was standing around her bed in the living room. She was still alive, but they were grieving as it was plain she would not last long. I felt weird being there, so I kind of hid in the kitchen, standing where no one could see me. All I could do was pray for the family and Jake specifically.

As I was standing there, Jessica's grandfather walked into the dining area and sat down. He noticed me and said, "How are you today, sir?" I said, "I'm fine and I'm sorry you're not." He sort of lost his composure and said, "When you wake up in the morning, you never know what's going to happen before you go to bed at night."

I didn't know what else to say, so I just stood there in silence, thinking about what he had said.

You never know.

I am, of course, reassured that God the Father DOES know what will happen before I go to bed tonight. But I do not know. I think I need to stop acting like I do know or like I should know or like I should be prepared for everything and anything that comes down the pipe. Maybe it's OK to not know what's going to happen and to not even be ready for it, but to rest in the fact that He knows.

I hope and pray that this statement will stick with me for the rest of my life.

I pray blessing and peace on my brother-in-Christ, Jake Kaylor. He has soldiered long and hard; fighting for his wife, caring for her, sacrificing everything in his care and devotion to her. I know that he has a hard three and half years and that things are not necessarily going to get any easier as he now has three girls to raise without their mother.

He has been a tremendous example to me of what a husband should be.

The Guy Behind Me

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I'm going to anyway. You're going to think I'm really weird and maybe even consider not hanging out with me after this admission, but I hope that doesn't happen. If it does, I guess I'll just have to live with it. I can take it.

Here goes; I go the speed limit. I use my cruise control all the time. That way, I can set it and know that I'm OK. (I'm sure there is a metaphor with the whole cruise control thing, but I'm working another angle.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I did get a speeding ticket about six years ago. I was going from 360 to Broad and I missed the 40 MPH sign. Fortunately, the officer had a smidgen of mercy on me and the ticket was only for 19 miles over. woo hoo... There have also been a few times the last months that I have convinced myself that I needed to speed. Part of the reason I'm writing this is to make sure I don't do that anymore. It really helps to be accountable...

OK, enough of the mea culpa, let me tell you about the guy behind me.

I don't have a problem with people who go faster than me. You know, the guy who does 75+ all the time because he's late to something. All the time. Yes, it can be dangerous, but at least he's honest about it. "I'm going fast, get out of the way!"

As for people who go slower than the limit, I'm not really sure what to think. Tori calls it "My own personal speed limit." Maybe they're scared, talking on the phone, unaware of the speed limit, have a crummy car, etc. I just hope they don't expect me to go that slow...

It's the guy behind me that really drives me crazy. I'll be cruising along, I'll look behind me and there he is, going the speed limit. I could be on a five lane highway and this dude will stay right behind me, not necessarily tailgating, but never changing lanes. But, if I change lanes (which I usually do), he will speed up and start doing the same speed as the traffic. That's when it hits me. I think "Wait, were you only going the speed limit because I was in the way??"

Yeah, it's "Markie is way too judgmental day." Don't even get me started on how the entire freeway suddenly knows exactly what the speed limit is and how fast they're going as soon as someone spots a cop.

Sculpture of You

So, just pretend that you're a gifted sculptor. You know, one of those people who can chip away everything that doesn't look like David...

Can you imagine what it would be like to put so much work into such a sculpture and then, when you were finished, people did nothing but point out its flaws? I suppose that I might be able to deal with this, but what if the sculpture itself started to say "why is my nose so big?" "Why did you make me with such a bad temper?" "Why is my hair this color?" "Why do I have this blemish?"

You, as the master sculptor, would respond by smashing the thing...OK, that's how I would respond. You would probably say, "I made your nose like that on purpose." "Yes, you have a fiery temper, but you also have passion. I gave you passion, but you channel it through your anger." "I like that color on you." "I put that blemish there on purpose."

This is starting to sound dangerously like one of those "Footprints in the Sand" kind of things...so let's go to the meat.

I'm constantly bothered by the thought that I am not where I am supposed to be. Yes, I understand that it is important to strive to improve myself, but that is not what I'm talking about. At no time in my life have I EVER thought "wow, I'm exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I should be doing." I always feel guilty about things that are not being done, attitudes that I should change, and the mistakes that shape my life.

Could it be that if I am submitted to God and am following his ways, that I AM exactly where I should be? Could it be that the place I am in now is not a surprise to God and is, therefore, where he wants me to be?

Before you reject that idea and/or start to add all the qualifiers, chew on it for a bit.

What if you, in all your inadequacies, faults, sins, failures, and triumphs, are where God intended you to be all along? What if he actually made you for this insignificant moment? You with your divorce, the damage you've caused to the people around you, the mistakes you made in college that forced you to take seven years instead of four (guilty), the child you gave up for adoption, the people who have hurt/used you, the parents that made your life hard because of their many mistakes.

What if God is using all the clay, mud, dirt, marble, straw, gold, and diamonds that are your life to make you into the person you are right now. What if God doesn't worry about the person you're going to be or that you were, but instead focuses on the person that you are.

Wow, what a weight off...

Submitted

So, I was in Mongolia...(click the link and make sure to read #5, it's worth it.)

Anyway, I was on a mission trip and I asked Brent Edwards, the trip leader, if I could lead the devotional one morning. He said sure. I felt strongly led by God to talk about the issue of obedience v. sacrifice as addressed in I Samuel 15:22 and Psalm 51:16-17.

I started my little talk by saying, "I keep hoping this is a word for someone else." I just let it hang there and Chris Machen started laughing. Obviously, he had experienced the same thing.

That is sort of how I feel right now. I hope this is a word for someone else, but I've got a scary feeling that it is a word for me.

Is there a difference between being committed to God and being submitted to God?

I put this question to some friends in choir tonight and Jenks asked "Is it possible to do one without the other?" I think he's got a good point, but, after some thought, I think it is possible to be committed without being submitted.

Some examples from Scripture:

• The Rich Young Ruler - he was committed. According to him, he had kept all of the commandments since his youth. Whether or not he actually had isn't relevant; HE thought that he had. But was he submitted? No. When Jesus asked him to do something that wasn't on the list, as hard and harsh as it was, the RYR said 'No' with his feet.
  
• Gideon - with the fleece, he was twice committed. When he gathered the army, I believe this is evidence that he was submitted. The stuff he did with 300 men was only possible with God's help; that's submission.
  
• Peter - Before the crucifixion - committed. After the Resurrection and his time with Jesus on the beach - submitted to his core.
  
• Noah - Submitted
  
• Moses - I think he also started out committed, but, sometime around the parting of the Red Sea, proved he was submitted.
  
• Paul - Before the road to Damascus - committed. After - submitted.
  

OK, now for the hard part. Am I committed? Of course I am. I go to church three times a week, I read the Bible, teach Sunday School, go on mission trips, and I don't smoke, drink, or chew (tobacco, that is). I can usually find I Thessalonians, I've memorized some verses, listen exclusively to Christian music, and I wear Christian t-shirts. You want the checklist? I got it.

Am I submitted? I'm having trouble answering this question. Of course I want to SAY that I'm submitted to God, but that would mean that I would have to BE submitted to God. If I decide that I'm not submitted, then I'll have to do something about it. This isn't something that one can safely lie about...

I think that being committed is the laundry list of things that we do to prove that we are good Christians. This isn't necessarily bad - James says that he shows his faith by his deeds. But I think that being submitted is when you follow God's list. He doesn't have as much stuff on his list, but His list is much harder to check off. Maybe that's it, you can't check the stuff off of God's list, you can only do them. Always.

As usual, I don't think this is the only and final answer. I'm really trying to reason this out. Brothers and sisters, help me out. What do you think?

Church

I remember being 19. Really. I was so sure of everything that was right and wrong. I wasn't afraid to let others know when they were doing something wrong.

As I got older, I think this was tempered a bit, but not much. My new attitude was "if you're not where I am spiritually, you're not in the right place."

Now, I hope my attitude is one of letting God deal with me where I am and letting God deal with people where they are. The important part of this is that it is OK for this to happen. You don't have to be where I am and I don't have to be where you are. Does this make sense?

Last week, I ran into an interesting attitude. I was having a discussion with someone about the death penalty. I used to be adamantly, all-the-time, black-and-white for the death penalty. While I am still in favor of the death penalty, it is with great reluctance.

The guy I was talking to was a believer and was against the death penalty. No problem; one needs to stand up for what they believe is right. However, in our discussion his attitude seemed to be "If you would just think about this as much as I have, you would agree with me." As you can imagine, I had a problem with that. My response was "What if I have thought about this issue and I still agree with the implementation death penalty?" I haven't heard back from him...

I've been reading a lot of Christians lately who are very upset with the Church. Their basic complaint seems to be that the Church is flawed and not doing a very good job keeping up with the changes in our culture.

What's the big deal? Seriously, did people really not know the Church was flawed? Was this some big surprise? Did everyone suddenly wake up some time around January 2000 and figure out that we're not perfect? Of course we're not perfect. If you want to go to a church where you're greeted immediately, and people get to know you, make you feel welcome, shake your hand, ask about your kids/job/life/spouse, and where the preacher doesn't make you mad and where you love the music, don't come to my church. It's not going to happen. Take your august self somewhere else. I promise you that if you show up with this freaking laundry list of things that have to happen NONE of it will happen. You'll be sitting in your lonely pew, crying in your bulletin that nobody is paying attention to you, the music is too loud/quiet/fast/slow and the pastor doesn't speak good...

How does this tie into the attitudes I was talking about earlier? These are Christians I'm talking about, i.e. people who should know better. These are people who are mad/upset/disappointed with everyone else at church because they (the Church) doesn't think the same way the complainers do. If a church doesn't have a homeless ministry, does that mean the church isn't in God's will? What if the church isn't relevant to today's culture and doesn't have small groups/cells/life groups and multiple satellite locations? Are they not where they should be with the Father?

In the interest of clarification, I think that it's great that churches have homeless ministries and I'm trying to get mine to go to downtown Dallas. I also like the idea of cell groups, but don't really like the whole satellite concept. Does that mean that I don't think churches should do the whole "satellite" thing. Of course not. I go to prisons with Bill Glass ministries. Does that mean that you should also? Maybe, but that's between you and God, not between me and you. If you don't go with me to prison or to downtown Dallas, it doesn't make me mad or even disappointed; I am compelled to go regardless of who goes with me. It is fruitless to get angry or upset with other people over this. Believe me, I've tried being people's Holy Spirit and it's no fun.

Having said all that, do I think that many Christians need to get out of their couch zone, turn off the TV, and go talk with some actual humans, just like Jesus did*? Yes. Does it bother me that many Christians talk the talk, but don't walk at all? Yes. Am I going to let it keep me awake nights? No. I'm responsible to do what God has called me to do and for me it ends there. If you want to go to prison with me or do some work in Dallas, email me.

Please let me know what you think of this. Am I way off base?


*OK, Jesus didn't turn off the TV...